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Dating in Toronto: Are Women Too Intimidating?

Now that I’m back in Toronto I’m trying to assess the dating pool from the outside looking in. While I’m more focused on finding a job than a date (current job ✓, new job August 20th ✓), my gal pals are on the prowl. I’ve returned from Korea to find I only have a handful of single male friends. It seems like I have more single female friends in my age-group than ever, and they are all experiencing the same problem. Is it that Toronto men are scared of commitment or scared of a confident, successful woman? Let’s take a look at some examples of my single pals and other gals dating in Toronto.

Dating in Toronto: Are Local Men Commitment-Phobes? That Girl Cartier blonde woman flower pink smile happy garden fence rustic wood quirky lipstick red female girl — Lisa Fotios

Dating in Toronto: Lisa

Lisa and I have known one another for over 10 years. She’s got a pretty dominant personality at first, but is pretty chilled out and easygoing when it comes to making plans. She finished her MBA a few years ago and has taken on a senior role at a start up. She’s passionate about her work, her dog, and her family. I haven’t seen my friend Lisa in 4 months. Why? Well, she’s been pretty heavily into the Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid scenes. For her, Dating in Toronto is a full-time job, too. She’s met a pretty attractive man who seems to take up a lot of her time, yet another commitment-phobe, plus she’s juggling a gazillion first dates. Seems like she’s collecting a variety of styles, throwing them at the wall, and just seeing what sticks. So far she hasn’t really gotten anywhere, and I haven’t really seen my friend!

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Dating in Toronto: Abby

Abby is 25. She goes out every Friday to the exact same bar hoping to find a husband. I shit you not, this girl honestly thinks that the first guy who doesn’t back away when she smashes her face into his is going to make for a great provider for her 2.5 children, dog, and white picket fence in Thornhill. Abby joined ultimate frisbee because she thought it would be a great way for her to meet guys. She does it all for the ‘gram. She captions with the likes of “your vibe attracts your tribe” on a picture of a group of people who don’t actually know one another. With someone like Abby, you can’t share your interest in a particular member of the opposite sex. She will undermine any sort of connection you had by trotting over, tits out, making the game real easy for ya man over there. Why work an hour for $100 when someone’s dangling a $20 note in your face, right? She gets off on creating competition with her remaining female friends. She’s a juvenile, insecure, little girl who needs the validation of strange men more than the loyalty and support of gal pals. Don’t be an Abby, don’t take home an Abby, don’t befriend an Abby.

female model pose art hat girl woman beautiful attractive thinking pensive Dating in Toronto: Are Local Men Commitment-Phobes? That Girl Cartier — Eneida Nieves

Dating in Toronto: Jessica

Jessica has a revolving door of men. She keeps 2 or 3 in play and has a whole bunch of guys on the bench. She climbed the corporate ladder quickly at the same company for the last 8 years. Recently, she bought a condo and furnished it exactly the way she wanted having lived in a shitty, run-down old building for most of her time in Toronto. Dating in Toronto changed a lot for Jessica when she made the move. All of a sudden the dudes who were freelancing and bartending on the side felt the need to get their shit together and move on up in the world. Jessica was finally showing the wealth she had accumulated, and these guys were not into it. The two men she’s currently dating have told her those three little words over and over again (“I love you”, for those of us who are jaded). Neither of them want to date exclusively. It’s sad, but when you’re dating in Toronto everyone is always on the look-out for something better. They could have their perfect man or woman doing naked back-flips in their front yard, but unless they put down the phone they’ll remain completely oblivious.

Image may contain: one or more people, people standing and outdoor, graffiti, Street Art, Toronto, graffiti alley, YYZ, Dating in Toronto: Are Local Men Commitment-Phobes? That Girl Cartier — Jennifer Decan

Dating in Toronto – Candidly Cartier

So what’s the secret to actually meeting someone in Canada’s largest city? I thought it would be easier than my experiences in Korea seeing as there are more native English speakers here and many of us grew up with similar cultural backgrounds. In reality, it’s far more difficult. Why is dating in Toronto so obnoxious? When I met Adonis, it was an instant connection. Our wifi signal was weak and I can honestly say, for me, it was love at first sight. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away, and even thousands of miles apart I still feel like we’re connected. With ex-Co-Pilot it was easy, too. I begrudgingly met him after a series of crappy first dates and it was a “right place, right time” situation. He was absolutely incapable of being alone, and I needed a band-aid. Now I’m in a situation where I have a great apartment, great job, and some great friends. I’m no longer working as a conventionally “female” gender role (as a teacher), and the intimidation factor is out of control when you’re dating in Toronto.

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Dating in Toronto is Exhausting

I’m too tired to get dolled up and go out on Friday nights. I’d muuuuuch rather Netflix and Chill. Going out clothes sold here are either hoochie-mama bralets and booty shorts or totally binding triacetate-polyester blend urban professional attire. There is no in between, anymore. My feet hurt. Doing my hair and makeup, stuffing myself into spanx, then trying to get that dang zipper up by myself is exhausting – and for what? All you see at these meet markets are people trying to get the bartender’s attention or simply sitting in a corner and swiping all night.

texting, 2 girls, iphone, Dating in Toronto: Are Local Men Commitment-Phobes? That Girl Cartier

Swipe for Your Life

Speaking of swiping, I’ve been out on my fair share of first and second dates having met through a dating app. My aforementioned friends and I get the same message each and every time we opt to keep our legs together for more then a couple of dates. “I think you’re looking to take things a little slower than me. I’m looking for something more casual.” Sir, I’ve met you twice. It’s entirely unfair to imagine that you know what I want. It’s cocky to think that you’re such a stud that I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you after seeing you in two different outfits. Also, it’s pretty pathetic that apparently I’m only good enough to be your booty-call. I was prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt after your horrendous first kiss because we had good banter. I’m starting to think that these morons just want their tinder date to turn up and bend over before agreeing to ever meet again.

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A Girl’s Gotta Eat

These guys seem to think that I want the ring, the house, and the 2.5 kids immediately. It’s not that I want something serious, I just want something consistent. I’m starting a new job and have a pretty full schedule, but a girl’s gotta eat, right? Realistically, I’d like to have a companion with whom to do absolutely nothing on Friday nights, and maybe to go hiking with on Saturday mornings. I like breakfast in bed, too. Yeah – I’ll make it. Don’t get up. There’s still so much of the world to see, and I’m plenty happy as a solo traveler. If you’re along for the ride, great. Please don’t assume to know what I want. Don’t dismiss me simply because you’re intimidated or a Toronto man scared of the first inkling of commitment.

The New Fckbois = Job Gatekeepers

How do you get a job in your old city/ industry when you’ve been out of both for over 3 years? It took me 7 weeks from the time I arrived back in Toronto after Bali to my first day of work. My method was to cast a wide, wide net and see what came out of making a full time job of finding full time work. The first couple of weeks were frustrating as I’d see hiring manager after hiring manager check out my LinkedIn profile, but no communication beyond that. I updated my resume a gazillion times so it would be more appealing to the digital media and advertising industries. I was using my jet lag and night owl status to adjust and apply (and boy, did I ever apply for everything), but it felt like I was getting absolutely nowhere.

Master of None

My recruiter told me that my career background read as unfocused even though it highlighted a lot of desirable skills. Having been away from my home and my industry for 3 years I couldn’t exactly walk back into a director-level role, and my level of seniority was too high for most of the jobs for which I was actually eager. I would have been happy to take on something that would have looked like a step backwards, as long as I was learning rapidly and equipping myself to move forward with a company. The goal was to become an expert in my role, rather than a Jill of all trades.

Living out of the City

For the first month and a half I felt like a hobo. My parents moved to a small town when I was in my 2nd year of University. When I finally started coming in for interviews I felt like I was on the “inconveniencing my friends” tour. I couldn’t commit to hanging out because just to get into Toronto I had to bother my parents for a 45 minute ride to the Go Train station, then spend $10 to get unto Union Station, then get the subway with all my junk. That’s if I had booked an AirBnB or had a friend’s couch on which to crash. I was trying to survive just on wifi (cause you can, for the most part, in Korea). After 2 weeks I realized that my savings from Korea unfortunately didn’t amount to much and I’d have to start spending.

Waiting by the Phone

From my online applications, I had plenty of “no response” responses, a whole lotta “more appropriate backgrounds needed”, and some straight up weird replies from hiring managers who didn’t know the job from Adam and were just trying to get the placement $. I was asked to complete several phone interviews and a pile of “assignments” (aka FREE WORK). By applying online I got a bunch of garbage, but also a couple of interviews. Pair that with the few interviews I got through personal references, and I was starting to feel hopeful again. How can you sound positive once you finally get the interview when you’ve been dealing with rejection after rejection after rejection?

Dealing with Job Rejection

When I left Toronto I had my finger on the pulse. My hire-ability was off the charts, but I couldn’t get a guy to take me out for coffee to save my life. My, how the tables had turned. In my most successful interview, I was told that I would hear back within a few days about next steps and meetings with the CEO. Some of the recruiters/ hiring managers even promised offer letters within the next week. I started looking for an apartment. My friends started taking the idea of me sticking around pretty seriously. Then, each and every one of those fckers ghosted me. I even saw one of them from a pretty pathetic excuse for a communications company at a PR event. I’ve never seen the “run fast ’cause I never called that broad back” face on a woman before, especially one with whom I had had a job interview!

I did it! – Well…kinda

Like Dev, I did it…with plenty of help! I actually got really, really lucky. When I use the word “luck” I tend to mean a combination of timing + preparation. There’s a little element of magic that comes along with it, too. I was walking out of one of these horrible cattle call job interview situations. Picture pizza, a poorly-rehearsed speech from the child CEO, and sorority large-recruitment style “interviews”. Then, I got a call from someone within my network. I had sent her my resume weeks earlier. Her friend had posted on Facebook about an immediate need. Within 10 minutes I was on the phone with the gentlemen who would become my boss less than 24 hours later. Sure – it’s only a contract for now, but it’s my foot in the door to work for an amazing organization doing some pretty creative things.

Avoid the fckbois to Find a Job

Just like in dating, I met with a lot of fckbois. In the end, I completely bypassed the fckbois (the recruiters) and found a diamond in the rough (the job). Reach out to everyone in your network. Don’t be afraid to annoy someone by asking to send along your resume. Chances are they were once exactly where you were. You can’t avoid the recruiters and HR managers hiring for positions they know nothing about. You can cast a wide net and let several of them work for you at once.

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Dating in Toronto: Are Local Men Commitment-Phobes?