Expat Dating Archives - That Girl Cartier

Expat Dating Diaries in Korea: The Lifer

Boryeong Mud Festival, Korea, Boryeong — Photo by Paige Stewart | Paste Magazine

This is not directed at any one person, it’s simply part of a lengthy and sarcastic series on The 7 Worst Guys an Expat Can Date!

The Term: The Lifer

The Lifer is someone who came to Korea (or any ESL abroad job, really) directly after University and found things were so good he never went home. Going beyond your comfort zone can be scary, and this guy is plenty content to not budge an inch. Why would he? He’s just like Matthew McConaughey in “Dazed and Confused”. He keeps getting older, and the revolving door of Koreans and Expat Women alike stay the same age!

Like the Eternal Expat, The Lifer doesn’t want to return home for fear he’ll just never have it as good. He’s perhaps a 6 at home, but a 10 abroad. Out every night of the week, he’s got a local girlfriend, but still crushes Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid on the regular. With expat dates across the city during the week, he’s got a locally-sourced meal every Sunday night.

These guys are amazing because they know the best of everything. The best places to find the jobs where you get paid the highest and work the fewest hours. Traditionally these are University jobs, but sometimes you score with a hagwon pulling a fast one. The Lifer knows all about sketchy hagwons and sketchy behaviour. The Lifer knows “the best” BBQ spots in the city, and calls the servers Hyung (Brother) and Emo (Auntie). He knows every single person at the bar, plays it off like he’s too cool to chat anyone up, and secretly swipes in the bathroom because social interactions which aren’t completely under his control are far too nerve wracking.

He’ll leave you eventually, but he’d never dare leave the Land of Morning Calm.

Candidly Cartier: Deleting 4 Dating – Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and OkCupid

Single Sally Stops Swiping

When it comes to Bumble Fails or Tinder Nightmares, the stories write themselves. My writing has become boring in Toronto, however. Life in Korea was interesting because it was foreign and everything was a challenge and new and exciting. The guys I dated were damaged. One was having massive internal crises about love. I wish I could have helped him, but he will have to learn to help himself. Others were with me because they wanted to be on the blog. Ex-co-p I’m looking at you and your wife who still creep my social media – literally LinkedIn today. Writing is a way for me to work through the weirdness I experience while navigating these relationships. I haven’t watched Bird Box yet, but if following the memes gives me any idea, deleting all apps and trying to navigate the Toronto dating scene blind seems to be the only way to avoid the monsters.

Tinder

Deleting all Apps

Ladies and gentlemen, I went into 2019 sans swipe. My instagram storied lacked some serious mansplaining and offers of pantsless Netflix and chill. I only lasted about 16 days over-eating, working out, and over-sleeping without window-shopping for men. This is hardly the recipe to meet a mate, and I’m starting to realize why people get cats. Instead of a cat, however, I bought a ticket. Normally my travel talk would be limited to The Toronto Seoulcialite. I haven’t yet posted about Bali because how do you write the top 10 ways to eat, drink, and bang your way through Gili Trawangan?

Va-Kate-tion

Of course, I’m kidding. My Gili T romance was full of passion and drama, but there was only one apple of my eye. I am clearly unable to distinguish the b*tches from the beaches, but I do know when a deal is too good to pass up! Toronto, Canada to Cebu, Philippines for $575 round trip and tax-in was a great buy. I’m going at the beginning of April. The weather is supposed to be insanely good and without much rain. In March it will be a year since I left Korea. While there are some cute guys online/ on dating apps, in person they tend to look like moldy coleslaw. I find Hotness monsters on the beach, and I just signed myself up for 7 days of babe-watching.

Willpower Weakness

In the 2 and a half weeks without any dating apps I did find I approached more men in the hopes of initiating an organic connection. It really worked the first time, however someone who I thought was a friend ended up f*cking him in the men’s bathroom of a popular downtown bar (and breaking the baby change table in the process). I met another since we had exchanged numbers before both deleting our dating apps. He indicated he was interested in seeing me again, but ultimately ghosted (because of course he did). Now? I re-installed tinder, but no other dating apps. I don’t open it very frequently. My dating life is actually improving, believe it or not. Tinder managed to bring me one special guy who is hitting all the points of communication I so desperately crave, and another who I’m not quite sure about, but who is ambitious as all get out. I think there’s something to be said for simplifying, and I’m not going to say no to putting a few more chucklehead tinder nightmares on blast in the process.

Expat Dating Diaries: Are You Scared to Be Lonely

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I’m not the girl I used to be. The manic pixie dream girl you fell in love with on a moonlit night en route through sandy streets to 7-11 exists somewhere, but she’s not here. The stressed out, overworked, manic, afraid of failure girl you loved because you had to isn’t here either. I’m back in Canada where there’s no mania whatsoever. Honestly – I feel as though I must be crazy for holding onto this, but my life is so well-balanced and normal that it can’t be. I’ve either become completely boring or am walking the long line of a plateau; on the precipice of something great.

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I wake up and start my day with a light workout. I go to work and count my calories. After work sometimes I’ll go to boxing and sometimes I’ll make plans with a friend. Every two weeks I pay off my credit card and put money into a tax-free savings account. I’m now 31 and this is what you do here even though the notion that I’ll ever produce anything with my measly savings is one hell of a pipe dream. Occasionally I’ll go on a blind date because its next to impossible to meet someone organically. I’ll typically never see the person again and consider it time wasted on the search to find your replacement.

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Have you ever tried to replace a love which has moved you so deeply that it changed the way you approach every element of your life? The kind of love that can shake you to your core with memories of its intensity? I have. I was pretty successful too for a 4-month stint because I found someone who was even more afraid of being on his own than I.

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For most of my life I was a lone wolf. I was more concerned with getting ahead in my career than finding a partner. I dated, sure, but I had never felt like a piece of myself or my heart was missing until my trip to Thailand in 2016. I was free before I met him, and now i’m scared I’ll never feel free or love/ be loved the same way ever again. It was my 29th birthday and I met the puzzle piece I never knew I was missing at a hostel on the beach in Phuket. After a week together I grit my teeth and made my way back to Korea and feeling emotional pain unlike anything I’ve ever felt in my life.

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When he made the leap of faith and moved to Korea to be with me, I didn’t know how to be thankful in a humble way. I didn’t know how to love him without smothering him and unintentionally pushing him away. It was such a foreign concept to me that someone like that could make such a sacrifice for me, that every day was worth celebrating. Colours were brighter. Food tasted better. Parties needed to last all night because why wouldn’t everyone want to rejoice in my newfound discovery?

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It was exhausting for us both, eventually, and when he left I felt a pain even more excruciating than before. It stayed with me for another 4 months through which time I must have dyed my hair 10 times and blacked out even more.

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Then at the beginning of March I met someone. He was still in a long-distance relationship at the time, but I had had no idea. We didn’t have that much in common, but he kept me on a schedule which improved my health and pulled me out of the darkness. He told me his mother always said he was a white knight to maidens in distress. I never imagined that my darkness would take me that low. Eventually I regained my footing and my strength. Of course that was a turn-off for him, and he sought another insecure woman. My replacement had replaced me. You told me you always thought he looked weird.

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Looking back to that time in Thailand when we had just met, I remember something he said then reiterated the day he moved in with me in Korea and about a year after we broke up. He had told me about this theory that some people were built for one another. I laughed it off because he told it to me in far more graphic terms than I’m explaining here (more emphasis on the body than the soul 🍆), but feeling the need to repeat it one last time when we were both in replacement relationships something I still just can’t shake.

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I often wonder: if so many of us are just replacing our missing puzzle pieces, has the other half of my heart just found a band-aid he can’t bear to rip? Are you putting a square peg in a round hole because you’re too scared to be lonely or too stubborn and afraid to admit you made a mistake?

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Scared to Be Lonely

Dua Lipa, Martin Garrix

It was great at the very start

Hands on each other

Couldn’t stand to be far apart

Closer the better

Is it just our bodies? Are we both losing our minds?
Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight
‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?

Do we need somebody just to feel like we’re alright?
Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight
‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?

Dating in Toronto: Are Local Men Commitment-Phobes?

Dating in Toronto: Are Women Too Intimidating?

Now that I’m back in Toronto I’m trying to assess the dating pool from the outside looking in. While I’m more focused on finding a job than a date (current job ✓, new job August 20th ✓), my gal pals are on the prowl. I’ve returned from Korea to find I only have a handful of single male friends. It seems like I have more single female friends in my age-group than ever, and they are all experiencing the same problem. Is it that Toronto men are scared of commitment or scared of a confident, successful woman? Let’s take a look at some examples of my single pals and other gals dating in Toronto.

Dating in Toronto: Are Local Men Commitment-Phobes? That Girl Cartier blonde woman flower pink smile happy garden fence rustic wood quirky lipstick red female girl — Lisa Fotios

Dating in Toronto: Lisa

Lisa and I have known one another for over 10 years. She’s got a pretty dominant personality at first, but is pretty chilled out and easygoing when it comes to making plans. She finished her MBA a few years ago and has taken on a senior role at a start up. She’s passionate about her work, her dog, and her family. I haven’t seen my friend Lisa in 4 months. Why? Well, she’s been pretty heavily into the Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid scenes. For her, Dating in Toronto is a full-time job, too. She’s met a pretty attractive man who seems to take up a lot of her time, yet another commitment-phobe, plus she’s juggling a gazillion first dates. Seems like she’s collecting a variety of styles, throwing them at the wall, and just seeing what sticks. So far she hasn’t really gotten anywhere, and I haven’t really seen my friend!

pretty woman ok lips black hair jumper jersey wide eyes tattoo Dating in Toronto: Are Local Men Commitment-Phobes? That Girl Cartier

Dating in Toronto: Abby

Abby is 25. She goes out every Friday to the exact same bar hoping to find a husband. I shit you not, this girl honestly thinks that the first guy who doesn’t back away when she smashes her face into his is going to make for a great provider for her 2.5 children, dog, and white picket fence in Thornhill. Abby joined ultimate frisbee because she thought it would be a great way for her to meet guys. She does it all for the ‘gram. She captions with the likes of “your vibe attracts your tribe” on a picture of a group of people who don’t actually know one another. With someone like Abby, you can’t share your interest in a particular member of the opposite sex. She will undermine any sort of connection you had by trotting over, tits out, making the game real easy for ya man over there. Why work an hour for $100 when someone’s dangling a $20 note in your face, right? She gets off on creating competition with her remaining female friends. She’s a juvenile, insecure, little girl who needs the validation of strange men more than the loyalty and support of gal pals. Don’t be an Abby, don’t take home an Abby, don’t befriend an Abby.

female model pose art hat girl woman beautiful attractive thinking pensive Dating in Toronto: Are Local Men Commitment-Phobes? That Girl Cartier — Eneida Nieves

Dating in Toronto: Jessica

Jessica has a revolving door of men. She keeps 2 or 3 in play and has a whole bunch of guys on the bench. She climbed the corporate ladder quickly at the same company for the last 8 years. Recently, she bought a condo and furnished it exactly the way she wanted having lived in a shitty, run-down old building for most of her time in Toronto. Dating in Toronto changed a lot for Jessica when she made the move. All of a sudden the dudes who were freelancing and bartending on the side felt the need to get their shit together and move on up in the world. Jessica was finally showing the wealth she had accumulated, and these guys were not into it. The two men she’s currently dating have told her those three little words over and over again (“I love you”, for those of us who are jaded). Neither of them want to date exclusively. It’s sad, but when you’re dating in Toronto everyone is always on the look-out for something better. They could have their perfect man or woman doing naked back-flips in their front yard, but unless they put down the phone they’ll remain completely oblivious.

Image may contain: one or more people, people standing and outdoor, graffiti, Street Art, Toronto, graffiti alley, YYZ, Dating in Toronto: Are Local Men Commitment-Phobes? That Girl Cartier — Jennifer Decan

Dating in Toronto – Candidly Cartier

So what’s the secret to actually meeting someone in Canada’s largest city? I thought it would be easier than my experiences in Korea seeing as there are more native English speakers here and many of us grew up with similar cultural backgrounds. In reality, it’s far more difficult. Why is dating in Toronto so obnoxious? When I met Adonis, it was an instant connection. Our wifi signal was weak and I can honestly say, for me, it was love at first sight. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away, and even thousands of miles apart I still feel like we’re connected. With ex-Co-Pilot it was easy, too. I begrudgingly met him after a series of crappy first dates and it was a “right place, right time” situation. He was absolutely incapable of being alone, and I needed a band-aid. Now I’m in a situation where I have a great apartment, great job, and some great friends. I’m no longer working as a conventionally “female” gender role (as a teacher), and the intimidation factor is out of control when you’re dating in Toronto.

women shoe footwear dance nightclubs stage lights Dating in Toronto: Are Local Men Commitment-Phobes? That Girl Cartier — Caitlyn Wilson

Dating in Toronto is Exhausting

I’m too tired to get dolled up and go out on Friday nights. I’d muuuuuch rather Netflix and Chill. Going out clothes sold here are either hoochie-mama bralets and booty shorts or totally binding triacetate-polyester blend urban professional attire. There is no in between, anymore. My feet hurt. Doing my hair and makeup, stuffing myself into spanx, then trying to get that dang zipper up by myself is exhausting – and for what? All you see at these meet markets are people trying to get the bartender’s attention or simply sitting in a corner and swiping all night.

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Swipe for Your Life

Speaking of swiping, I’ve been out on my fair share of first and second dates having met through a dating app. My aforementioned friends and I get the same message each and every time we opt to keep our legs together for more then a couple of dates. “I think you’re looking to take things a little slower than me. I’m looking for something more casual.” Sir, I’ve met you twice. It’s entirely unfair to imagine that you know what I want. It’s cocky to think that you’re such a stud that I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you after seeing you in two different outfits. Also, it’s pretty pathetic that apparently I’m only good enough to be your booty-call. I was prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt after your horrendous first kiss because we had good banter. I’m starting to think that these morons just want their tinder date to turn up and bend over before agreeing to ever meet again.

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A Girl’s Gotta Eat

These guys seem to think that I want the ring, the house, and the 2.5 kids immediately. It’s not that I want something serious, I just want something consistent. I’m starting a new job and have a pretty full schedule, but a girl’s gotta eat, right? Realistically, I’d like to have a companion with whom to do absolutely nothing on Friday nights, and maybe to go hiking with on Saturday mornings. I like breakfast in bed, too. Yeah – I’ll make it. Don’t get up. There’s still so much of the world to see, and I’m plenty happy as a solo traveler. If you’re along for the ride, great. Please don’t assume to know what I want. Don’t dismiss me simply because you’re intimidated or a Toronto man scared of the first inkling of commitment.

Repatriation Dating Diaries: Cartier’s Hot for Teacher

Hot for Teacher Repatriation Dating Diaries That Girl Cartier couple rowing boat woman girl man boy rowing boat oars water river lake romantic love valentine's day — Photographer: Josh Willink

Up in the Air – Not Exactly Dating on Cloud 9

Settling back into life in Toronto hasn’t gone exactly as planned. My career didn’t quite get off the ground the way I expected. I just settled into a condo downtown and now have to move. Everything’s just a little bit up in the air right now. Dating is no exception. Everyone at the bar is swiping left or right while in a perfectly lovely meet market. Tinder is for hook-ups. Bumble is allegedly for “serious dating” (sure). Meeting people through buttoned up/ tied-down friends is nearly impossible. I’ve now been on dates with a commitment-phobe real estate developer, a self-obsessed rocker, an UBER driver (yes – he drove me home and then we went out), a blogger who recently carbon-copied my latest post on The Toronto Seoulcialite, and a Tinder I had been out with 4 years ago. The conversation barely changed and he definitely didn’t clue in. Dating is depressing. Oh – and I went out with my old calculus teacher.

Hot for Teacher – Dating isn’t Calculus, it’s Chemistry

When you were in high school, did you ever have a crush on a teacher? How about that hottie who wasn’t much older, but just enough that the difference in age/ power balance would have been inappropriate? Imagine my surprise when the Facebook algorithm encouraged me to reconnect with my old calculus teacher 14 years my senior. I can’t imagine he’ll mind my writing about this. The probability of us meeting as we did was low, and the probability we’ll ever meet again is practically non-existent. He was my teacher for all of 3 weeks (and change) and we bumped into one another locally and in Kingston for all of 3 minutes each time. This round, after a lovely date, a hesitant goodnight kiss, and a few text exchanges promising to see one another again, it only took him about 3 days to ghost. Dating isn’t algorithms or equations, it all comes down to chemistry and the space-time continuum.

Hot for Teacher Repatriation Dating Diaries swimming pool blue water wooden people girl woman reading book relax travel vacation — Photographer: Angello Lopez

Dating Derivatives

While it would be lovely to meet someone who had the raw, passionate, primal masculinity of Adonis, or the “jamais seul” nature of ex-Co-P, it’s summer. Dating in Toronto doesn’t really ever seem to be clear or direct – just derivative of our parents’ and grand-parents’ generations. In the summer it’s the least likely time for any of that to change. Our diluted and deluded perspectives of responsibility to one another make me believe that I’ll always be house-hurt from carrying the weight of rent completely alone. Owning at all is a pipe-dream. White picket fences are a thing of the past. There’s plenty I’m tempted to try. Did I learn anything from scratching off this bucket-list item? Not really. Just that I think I’ll keep my interests outside of the classroom.

Re-pat Dating Diaries: Younger Men? Yes, please!

Carole RHONYC Real Housewives of New York City GIF Re-pat Dating Diaries: Younger, North American Men - yes, please! That Girl Cartier

The Newest in Dating Diaries: Repatriation

When writing about something as sensitive as dating, it’s kind of tough to write something positive without hurting someone’s feelings. You might be thinking “huh? What’s she talking about? Why would writing something good hurt someone?”, but hear me out. When you write something – anything at all – and it strikes a chord in a man (even one you may have never met!) the comments section can get a little heated. I’m ready and waiting with popcorn (Smartfood, I’ve missed you) for all of the man-hating, extreme feminist names they have stored in their back pockets. When you write something about men in general, and someone else he thinks he’s the man in your life, feelings can get hurt. I am single. I am all over the map literally and figuratively. In the (almost) 3 weeks I’ve been back in North America, I’ve met some truly wonderful people, and surprisingly young and accomplished men.

Carole RHONYC Real Housewives of New York City GIF Re-pat Dating Diaries: Younger, North American Men - yes, please! That Girl Cartier

Dating After Korea

Since leaving Korea, I’ve been through Bali, back to Korea, to Canada, the United States, and back to Canada all within 40 days. If any of you think dating in Korea is wonderful, welcome to the rest of the world. It’s your damn oyster! If you’re having trouble and want to explore the dating world more extensively, maybe the contract life in the land of the morning calm isn’t for you. I know I’ve always been the queen of bad timing, and Korea pressure didn’t help. I’ve recently had a freedom and flexibility which seems to have been pretty attractive to men. Well, pretty attractive to the average ODB and younger man, alike. It feels nice to have most people believe I’m somewhere between 21 and 25. Guess my multi-step K-Beauty routine has been working! I’m always honest and upfront about being 30. Ain’t no shame in that game. My Tinder is set to meet men 25 – 37, which I feel is fairly age-appropriate. Meeting younger guys (organically) has actually taught me a lot about how to relax into the dating world again. In honour of The Real Housewives of New York City returning to Bravo, let’s let my favourite cradle-robber, Carole Radziwill, tell you all about why repatriation is best with a younger man by your side.

Carole RHONYC Real Housewives of New York City GIF Re-pat Dating Diaries: Younger, North American Men - yes, please! That Girl Cartier

Confidence

At 30 (and after living in Korea), it’s really easy to get anyone’s number. I’ve just been living in fantasy land (as far as any recruiters are concerned) for the past 3 years. If you can’t walk up to a random hottie and pretend you’re just two SIMS characters after that, what HAS Korea taught you? Seriously – after 30 we just don’t care. There are dating opportunities everywhere.

Carole Radziwill Bravo RHONYC Real Housewives of New York City GIF Re-pat Dating Diaries: Younger, North American Men - yes, please! That Girl Cartier

You Can’t Hurry Love

You might think that dating is the same everywhere. That notion would be entirely incorrect. Living in Korea has completely shaped the way I interact with men. Expats don’t typically buy into the Korean way of dating, but we definitely don’t do it like we would back home. We’ve all got that added pressure of our contract’s time limit looming over our heads, so more often than not we rush. I remember by our 3rd date (in as many days) Co-P asked me to be his girlfriend (and subsequently married the next woman he only met a handful of times. Bullet = dodged). Adonis went from traveling SEA to living with me in the course of a month.

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You’ve been out of the game for X many years

Things happen so quickly when you’re living abroad or traveling. I had a whirlwind romance turned roller-coaster ride in Bali over 10 days. It’s insane how quickly things develop. Because of my experiences, I have the emotional ADHD of a much younger human. I need to learn how to slow down and actually meet people again the Western way. In order to do so, dating a guy on my level has a number of benefits:

He’s Not Necessarily Established

Coming back to live in Canada I’ve stayed with my parents, gone on a blogger trip, and am currently house-sitting. Until I sort out my job and living situation in Toronto, I’m 30 and living in my parents’ basement. Good news! He’s probably still living with Mommy and Daddy, too, or he may have just moved out on his own. You’re ready to re-enter the social scene and he’s eager to experience the city. Nobody’s there to make you feel bad about starting over since he’s starting up as well.

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He’s Protective

The younger guys I’ve met thus far have been far more earnestly doting, caring, and chivalrous than guys my age. Maybe there’s been a renaissance in upbringing or maybe they feel like they have more to prove with the change in typical gender dynamics. Whatever it is, I’m appreciative. All my life I’ve been so worried about losing someone precious. Suddenly I feel like I’m the important one they don’t want stolen away.

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He’s Got the Energy

‘Nuff said.

He’ll teach you about the latest trends

I feel like such a geriatric creature bringing this one up, but there are pieces of generational technology I haven’t had time to peruse. He’ll help you assess the latest gadgets and give you the specs before even heading in to buy the hardware. When I’m still fighting with Olleh/ Korea Telecom (KT) to get my last account closed, it’s great to have a wealth of knowledge helping me along.

Carole Radziwill Bravo RHONYC Real Housewives of New York City GIF Re-pat Dating Diaries: Younger, North American Men - yes, please! That Girl Cartier

Dating Younger: He Looks Good

Have you ever noticed how 30 year old men look these days? Being stressed and overworked not only has an effect on the ol’ beer belly, but their skin loses glow, too. Cameron Diaz’s character in “The Holiday” talks about how men age gracefully and women become haggard. “I’m gonna call bullshit on that.” That couldn’t be farther from the truth for me. 5 years ago, a friend who had just turned 30 told me she was the happiest and in the best shape of her entire life. I scoffed, but dammit if those words aren’t ringing like the Bell of Good Luck in my 30, flirty, and thriving ears.

In my mid-twenties I was fat and miserable. I worked out plenty, but stress and poor eating habits got the best of me. Coming back from Korea, I have a phenomenal beauty routine thanks to my friends at Leegeeham, G2Cell, CosRX (they just sent me a package I can’t WAIT to review for you), and Seoul Cosmetic Surgery. Botox is no longer taboo. Wouldn’t you want to stop the aging process dead in its tracks? I don’t want to look like I’m dating a child, but I’m not ready to look like I’m dating my dad, either.

Carole Radziwill Bravo RHONYC Real Housewives of New York City GIF Re-pat Dating Diaries: Younger, North American Men - yes, please! That Girl Cartier

Dating Expectations

When I was in my early to mid twenties, I went out with guys who I considered to be out of my league. I dated a lot of douche-canoes; a lot of big Richards, if you will. Ladies: you are worth it. Don’t ever let a guy string you along without commitment simply because you think he’s too hot or too accomplished. Spoiler alert: there’s no such thing! If he’s interested in spending time with you in or out of the bedroom, then you need to be clear about your expectations. When you’re happy with what you’re getting then that’s perfect. If you’re not, make it clear!

Carole Radziwill Bravo RHONYC Real Housewives of New York City GIF Re-pat Dating Diaries: Younger, North American Men - yes, please! That Girl Cartier

Dating Doubts

I’ve learned to care a lot less about what other people think. If he fucks it up? Well… I don’t care, really. I mean it’s lovely for now, but he’s got a lot of living to do before settling down. I’m looking to plant those roots in Toronto, but until then why waste good company?

Carole Radziwill Bravo RHONYC Real Housewives of New York City GIF Re-pat Dating Diaries: Younger, North American Men - yes, please! That Girl Cartier

Warning: Dating Younger may have Drama Closer than it Appears

When dating a younger man, there’s always the chance there will be some pathetic fly on the wall desperate to make a meal out of a snack. One day she’ll learn. For now, ignore…ignore…ignore.

Carole Radziwill Bravo RHONYC Real Housewives of New York City GIF Re-pat Dating Diaries: Younger, North American Men - yes, please! That Girl Cartier

Dating Deterrents

In my last year in Korea I dealt with the most vile, psychotic woman I’ve ever met because she thought she was dating my boyfriend. She met him twice – before I had ever met him. The vendetta lasted a year, and I’m sure the wine, fat-shaming, and name-calling parties continue even now that I’m gone. There’s plenty more to the story, but that’s too juicy for today.

Carole Radziwill Bravo RHONYC Real Housewives of New York City GIF Re-pat Dating Diaries: Younger, North American Men - yes, please! That Girl Cartier

Just one for the young ladies considering the paragraph above. We’re older. We’re wiser. Take heed.

Carole Radziwill Bravo RHONYC Real Housewives of New York City GIF Re-pat Dating Diaries: Younger, North American Men - yes, please! That Girl Cartier

Korea –> Canada: Dating through Repatriation

Living in Korea was great for my health, horrible for my heath, and taught me a lot. It was great because in my first year I was able to create that work/ life balance I so craved. I had the opportunity to cook properly, my favourite snack foods were disgusting in Korea (BBQ Cheetos – ew!), and I had split shifts meaning I could work out 2 hours a day. I took my weekends off, and that’s where I’d let myself go off the rails a little bit.

Number 1 rule? No gym on weekends. Number 2 rule? It’s okay to eat an entire pie from Pizza School (corn and all) on Sunday. Was I hungover? Absolutely. Had I cleaned my entire apartment Friday night rather than go out? Hell yes. Did that have something to do with the “focus candy” prescribed liberally? OH YEAH. Korea helped me lose my stress weight and taught me about balance. When you feel good you look good and that goodness radiates. I have a whole new outlook on dating in Canada right now.

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My #1 Key to Dating Anywhere

What did I learn? Well, this series is about dating, so we’ll keep it to that. Communication is the absolute most important part. Even if you’re dating someone from another English-speaking country, there are bound to be cultural differences. Knowing what you want and what you can bring to the table is also important. As someone returning to the dating game in my home country, I don’t feel comfortable dating someone who has just been blindly happy with the status quo the entire time I’ve been away. Maybe it’s the Korean Skincare Routine, maybe I’m just not willing to settle for someone who has settled. Regardless, I’m attracting younger guys – and I’m starting to be okay with that.

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In conclusion, nobody needs to know you’re dating younger.

You’re only as old as the man that you feel, right?

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Have you experienced something interesting and unexpected coming back to the dating pool in your home country? Let Cartier know in the comments section below!

Exes & Oh No’s: An Expat’s Guide to Ladies’ Sick Sense

expat dating diaries laptop apple macbook computer browser research study school business work desk people woman girl homebase coffee break table dark — Photographer: Matthew Henry

Creepy Communication

We all do it. Social Media makes it easier than ever to look up how our loved ones past and present are doing. Are they living their best lives? How happy are they? It seems when I’ve finally met someone new, the ghosts of lost loves past have their interests piqued. When I started dating my most recent ex, it breathed life into a few poltergeists. The man I’ll probably always consider to be the first great love of my life reached out. He said everything that I had needed and so desperately craved hearing, albeit all a little too late. I was honest about our communication with my new partner, and he was honest (well…to a point) about his. When I was living with the Adonis, he would call his ex while I was at work. What did I care if they spoke? They dated for 7 years – she was a huge part of his life and he was important to her. She was also roughly 9,000 km away. How much harm could she really do from that great a distance? I think I’d be more worried if he wasn’t interested in her well-being and didn’t want to maintain mutual respect.

people girl alone dark night light lamp black and white creepy expat dating diaries — Photographer: Ant Rozetsky

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

In a new relationship, it’s tempting to look back on your partner’s old ones. Are you part of a trend or are you different, special – an outlier? Are you far enough outside the particular set of previous patterns and failures to stand the test of time? A jealous, pissed off, or threatened woman does better research than the FBI, CIA and Secret Service combined. When in a budding relationship I was contacted by my (then new) boyfriend’s ex stating that he had cheated on the previous two. She told me I was becoming a symptom of a much bigger problem. I, of course, dismissed it at the time. He told me just enough to make it seem like we had an open and honest relationship. I was completely transparent. When his pattern reemerged several months later, you had better bet I quickly learned about RSS feeds, source, input, and the ease of info gathering online. I did it because I sensed a problem. I had an underlying insecurity about the state of our relationship. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and unfortunately got more than I bargained for.

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Poking Holes in More Than Just the Story

What about the longstanding current girlfriend, fiance, or even wife, though? I mean, she’s already won. What use is it to look back on something which ended so very long ago? On one hand, I can see that she means no harm. She’s just curious about our history together. How far down the line is it normal or healthy to creep? Why does my ex boyfriend’s current love want to know about my daily activities now when he and I ceased all contact 7 months ago? I’m sure there’s a small part where the “winner” can take perverse pleasure in popping up and rubbing it in your face that she’s enjoying your old memories. Is there trouble in paradise or does she just want to lord her “success” over me without ever having to exchange words?

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When you’ve finally met someone new and are enjoying learning all about him, she’s there to drudge up the past. At least when a man’s 6th sense kicks in, you might get closure. When woman’s sick sense starts tingling, everyone just ends up shaken. It’s better on both sides to leave well enough alone.

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Personal Space

To my exes’ new girlfriends and wives: ladies, if you’re really that curious about me, reach out! I’d rather be cool with your creeping than completely unnerved. If that’s not your jam, please have the decency to use a fake account. You don’t need him to block me. You don’t need to control with whom he communicates. The women before me prepared him to love you. If your relationship is strong, it’s due in part to the fact that I made him ready to love you and that you’re a better fit together than we ever could have been. The hell he and I went through together doesn’t negate the joy you have now. It’s not in spite of it, it’s because of it. We worked through issues together that have made him a more considerate boyfriend or husband for you. They will hopefully have helped make me a better partner in my next relationship, too.

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Gratitude

To my readers: If your man is communicative, caring, and observant, chances are there’s a mother, sister, or ex-girlfriend who helped him along the way. There’s not a single ex-boyfriend of mine with whom I’d want to get back together, but I have a genuine interest in their well-being. Don’t try to police your significant other’s communication. If he’s friendly with his ex and a better man with you than he was with her, you might even want to buy her a bottle of wine.

Expat Dating Diaries: My Best First Date in Seoul

My Best First Date in Seoul

Over a year ago I wrote an article about the best summer date spots in Seoul. My most enjoyable first date in Seoul, however, was pretty unconventional. Our romance was short-lived and never got very serious. It was before I ever fell in love. It was before I ever truly had my heart broken, too. There were disappointments down the line, of course, but he and I actually still talk to this day. Maybe it has something to do with my best (and longest) first date in Seoul!

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Cynthia really needed a vuvuzela for the #lgtwins #Baseball game yesterday! #Seoul #Korea #Jamsil #Sincheon #SportsComplex #서울 #셀카 #외국인 #스타일 #모델 #잠실 #신천 #송파구 #파티

A post shared by Kate Carter Hickey | Blogger (@thatgirlcartier) on Jul 3, 2016 at 6:18am PDT

Where Do I Begin?

A friend and I had planned on going to the Doosan Bears game at Jamsil Stadium. She had come up from Dongtan and had no intention of joining me on a first date in Seoul. This military man and I had been chatting on and off on tinder for a few weeks. This was before having written about the 7 Worst Guys an Expat Can Date. I was avoiding seriously dating at the time. Since boys were already on their way to the game, so we figured we could all hang out. While sitting in the stands some overly aggressive foreigners started waving at us and one of them even shouted out, “Kate!” We still can’t figure out who they were, but they didn’t end up being the guys from Tinder. Because of that encounter, we almost bailed on the meet up. I’m so glad we didn’t!

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There's nothing better than a #sunset at the #baseball park. Field of dreams, isn't it? #Seoul #Korea #travel #ig_travel #travelphotography #travelpics #travelsnaps #travelphotos #instapassport #passportready #travelingram #travelblog #travelblogger #solotravel #traveladdict #traveldiaries #travelguide #goexplore #lovetotravel #aroundtheworld #travelgram #traveler #travelbug #travelawesome #girlswhotravel #travelgirl #travelogue

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First Date in Seoul Key # 1: Common Interests

I love going to watch live sports, so meeting up at a baseball game was perfect for me. At a baseball game you’ve got the hoopla of the game, the crowds, and the walk up songs. At a baseball game first date in Seoul you’ve got the bonus of cheerleaders, and announcer, and BYOB. If conversation gets boring, get well into the game. If the conversation is riveting, it’s just the Korean league. The field is smaller, the players are slower, and unless watching pop-fly after pop-fly being caught is your thing – it’s pretty repetitive. Not a ball fan? Find something else with an element of distraction or an easy out. If you’re meeting someone for the first time you don’t want to get sucked into a massive time commitment (read: waste of time). If you’re having a good time, however, laissez les bon temps rouler!

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What a #sunset at last night's #lgtwins game. #Seoul #Korea #baseball #uploadkorea #ig_korea #visit_korea #visitkorea #서울 #feelwelcomeatnight

A post shared by Kate Carter Hickey 🛫 Travel (@torontoseoulcialite) on Jul 2, 2016 at 3:50pm PDT

First Date in Seoul Key # 2: Perfect Sunset

Could the sunset pictured above be any more perfect for your first date in Seoul? I don’t think I’ve ever seen one quite as extraordinary since! We got to canoodle for a bit as the game wrapped up and the sun went to sleep. Red sky at night, sailor’s delight, right? Well our weather the next day was pretty darn perfect as we strolled hand in hand along the stream, but that comes later…

First Date in Seoul JimJilBang Seoul First Date ThatGirlCartier Dragon Hill Spa

First Date in Seoul Key # 3: Multiple Dates in One

Did you think my perfect first date in Seoul would lead you to a bathhouse crossed with Korean Dave & Buster’s? Well, we’re here! We had been out in Itaewon for dinner and needed somewhere to go before curfew hit. My date was actually with his boss who was totally down to check out Dragon Hill Spa. If you’ve never been to a Korean bath house/ sauna/ jimjilbang, read up on the most luxurious one in Busan! (Privilege check: this probably is best suited to cisgender straight couples. Being on a first date in the actual baths together could prove risky! I’ll let you use your imagination…) Here are my reasons why a jimjilbang is an awesome first date in Seoul.

JimJilBang Seoul First Date ThatGirlCartier Dragon Hill Spa

First Date in Seoul Key # 4: Clean up Your Act!

With 9 different baths in the female sauna area, you’ll be super fresh, clean, and relaxed for the rest of your date. We separated for about 30 minutes and reacquainted fresh-faced, squeaky clean, and in pajamas! If a guy can’t handle me without makeup then I know it’s not going to last, but PJ’s is a whole ‘nother…ballgame!

First Date in Seoul Dragon Hill Spa JimJilBang Seoul First Date ThatGirlCartier Sauna Kiln

First Date in Seoul Dragon Hill Spa JimJilBang Seoul First Date ThatGirlCartier Sauna Arctic Cold Room

First Date in Seoul Key # 5: Plenty to Explore

After a quick scrub and some relaxing in the tub, we all met up in the lobby. I used to live in Jamsil (south of the Han River in Seoul), so sometimes we’d crash at Dragon Hill if it was tough getting a taxi home. Since it’s open 24 hours, it’s also the perfect hideout if you want to socialize past curfew. Since the boys were new to Korea, we explored the many different saunas in the huge building. Are you a hot or cold sauna kind of person?

First Date in Seoul

There is a restaurant and a snack bar. Grab a snack of some ramyeon (cup noodles), bingsu – a Korean dessert which is like flavoured “snow” (shaved ice), or a beer to keep you going!

I love getting a little competitive on first dates. Playing plenty of arcade games was a great way to get to know how my date handled victory and defeat! We shared a sneaky little first kiss in the singing room where he sang me his absolute favorite song (and where we screamed Alanis Morisette’s “You Oughta Know”).

First Date in Seoul

Ready to catch some Zzz’s? Head into the indoor (or outdoor if you’re keen on being mosquito breakfast) cinema or any of the sleeping rooms around the jimjilbang. Sleeping together on the first date in Seoul means something a little different here! The best part? In the morning, we got to soak one more time before heading to breakfast in Itaewon.

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Dongdaemun!

A post shared by Kate Carter Hickey 🛫 Travel (@torontoseoulcialite) on Feb 8, 2016 at 2:11am PST

You know you’re on a good date when you don’t stop to check your phone or take pictures along the way. Back in the winter of 2016 I took this snap of Chonggyecheon – a stream in Seoul. It was nice ticking this one off my Seoul bucket list. You can walk from Dongdaemun through Namdaemun and up to the palace by following the stream. Who knew just a few months later we’d be walking and talking hand in hand under a noticeably warmer, blue summer sky?

Have you ever been on a truly unconventional first date in Seoul or anywhere else?

Tell me all about it in the comments below!

Love Bombs: Cuffing Season is Year-Round

Cuffing Season is Year-Round for Love Bombs

The notions of “ghosting” (going out with someone then dropping off the face of the Earth completely) or “bread-crumbing” (dropping short messages here and there to keep the other person around, but not a priority) are common, especially for expats. In the interest of keeping current on the trends explaining outside elements of my tormented love life, I read an article about a toxic dating trend. “8 signs you’re being “love bombed” – it might be the most toxic dating trend yet“.

The concept of love bombs is one I’ve seen particularly frequently in Korea. The gist is that you meet a partner and it’s an explosion of feelings, but also commitments one or both parties have no intention of keeping. You have what you think are open and honest conversations about your emotions, about your goals, about the future. You travel together, meet your partner’s family, buy one another lavish gifts. In the blink of an eye, it’s over and done. Love Bombs. And what’s cuffing season? “Cuffing season is that period of time between fall and the dead of winter when people start looking for someone they can spend those long, frigid months with,” -Sameera Sullivan.

Expat Love Bombs

I can’t speak for expats in other countries, but I would venture to guess our issues of loneliness are all pretty similar. We leave our families and (for most of us) our friends and support systems back home. While social groups in Korea form quickly, they’re often made up of people with whom we’d probably never be friends back home. Romantic relationships are different. Expats often have “light-hearted” trysts, but once a connection is made, exclusive relationships are locked down very quickly. Everything is intensified when you feel instantly loved and cared for. I think most of us crave that adrenaline rush of passion. Unfortunately you can’t call a house a home without a little work, time, and attention. Most of us are only contributing one of the three in a new relationship while living abroad.

My Last Love Bombs

My last two serious (albeit short-lived) relationships were definitely love bombs. I knew right from the start that these should be enjoyable little flings and that I shouldn’t invest my time or emotions too much. In Thailand, H dropped everything, flew with me from Phuket to Chiang Mai, and started making comments about ring shopping and spending the remainder of our vacation pretending we were engaged.

Ex-Co-P was quick to start calling me his “Seoulmate”. He would call my apartment “Our City House” and his room on base “Our Country Home”. He shared what was his eagerly by bringing me goodie bags of things he thought I wouldn’t be able to buy (off post) in Korea. I was still getting over my last love bomb where the ye-olde-Adonis, H, actually gave up Bali to move into my shitty little studio apartment in Sincheon. I could see through Ex-Co-P’s bullshit immediately, but I chose to ignore it because he did all the things that H stubbornly refused to do.

Blind Beyond the Art of Seduction

On our 3rd date (coincidentally the 3rd day after we finally met in person), he snapped a selfie of us to post on Facebook calling me his KECH (a play on my initials). He asked me to be exclusive about an hour later. FINALLY! Finally I had someone who wasn’t afraid to show off to the world that he liked me. I didn’t need any of the expensive gifts he had brought me on our first few dates. All I needed was someone who wanted to be close to me. That was my version of having a guy jump up and down on a couch on Oprah. Finally someone ~~wasn’t ashamed~~ was proud to be with me. Everything seemed different. He even put together an outfit to accompany me to Seoul Fashion Week. He invited his family and friends into our life together. Sparks flew.

Within weeks he was asking me my plans for the future (immediately by piggy-backing onto my Taipei and Tokyo trips), telling me his goals and dreams, and asking how we could fit into one another’s lives moving forward. He used to joke about me moving in with him on the base, but there was an underlying truth and neediness to it all. He made me actually want to have an easy life in the boonies running track on Sunday mornings, meal-prepping for the week in the afternoon, and cozying up with a movie Sunday nights. It seemed so simple. I couldn’t hear the tick-tock of the bomb because it had already detonated. Our simple, little, careless, time-sensitive relationship had immediately broken its contract and gone off the rails the moment I said “yes” to being his girlfriend.

Man-ipulation & Subconscious Un-Coupling

I can’t pinpoint the moment it all changed. In hindsight I think he continued to slowly chip away at my confidence by maintaining past drama. Ex-Co-P loved to drudge up his past relationships. He continuously brought up the issues he created for me in the workplace. He would perpetuate drama by inserting himself in issues I had had to rectify on his behalf that were having an effect on my life. I felt inadequate at work and at home.

After our one, and only, major argument, I coughed all night. The next day he demanded we run 6 km (round-trip) up and down Namsan Tower. He knew full well that I was a sprinter working on endurance and had a bad cough. He was testing me and patronizing me. It was clear that he was looking for a fight. When we got to the base of Namsan Tower, he asked me was if I wanted to go find his “Pont-des-Arts”-style love lock from two girlfriends ago. This was the girlfriend who was still friends with some of my friends. She even lived in the area of town I desperately missed. Had I not been dating this loser, we’d probably be friends.

“Cuffing Season” is Bullshit

I wrote the 7 Worst Guys an Expat can Date nearly a year ago. Hundreds of comments came pouring in. Many said I sounded like a jaded woman scorned. I think most of those qualities identified in the article still hold true. Elements of each character can be found in both men and women. As a cisgendered, straight woman, I write about my own personal experiences. The list is not comprehensive. Let’s say I wrote about the “7 Treasures Every Expat Woman Should Seek Out”. You better bet your bottom dollar there would be no more use for this site at all. You see, if I was any good at taking my own advice, ThatGirlCartier would cease to exist. My Grandmother was RAF and my Grandfather was RCAF. It’s like I walk around with a giant AF magnet on my heart and “US AIR FORCE” tattooed across my forehead. Am I supposed to avoid every Military Man I meet? Who knows – you already know I can’t follow my own advice!

Right now I’m talking to several men. I’m actually just dating and getting to know them on a personal, platonic level. No more intense situations right off the bat. No more instances of watching him pull the pin, drop the grenade and run away. Certainly no more “fuckboys in sheep’s clothing” (as so aptly a fellow Seoul Blogger described Ex-Co-P). I met H in August and Ex-Co-P at the beginning of March. Cuffing season is clearly not limited to the dark, cold, lonely, winter months…especially when it comes to ~~sociopaths~~ “love-bombs”. When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them the first time. Don’t let love bombs’ smoke get in your eyes.

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Expat Dating Diaries – A PSA to Grown Men: Stop Ghosting

Everything ends, but some things don’t even get a chance at a proper start. Grown men need to learn to communicate rather than “ghosting”. This is the story of my devilishly handsome, mysterious, and insanely cowardly rebound.

Ghosting: Everything ends, but some things don't even get a chance at a proper start. The story of my handsome, mysterious, and insanely cowardly rebound. That Girl Cartier people man guy black and white body tattoo art bracelet — Photographer: Jake Davies

My Most Recent Ghosting Experience

I recently went out with a man who I thought was interested in dating casually. As I was fresh out of a relationship, I figured he planned on getting to know me over time. It’s also fair to assume that he was seeing other women throughout the first month of what I’ll call our “courtship”. Tinder is like window shopping, and I had a brand new account. We saw eachother 4 times that first week, which was a little intense for me. It was also pretty similar to my last relationship. Co-P was in a new Facebook relationship a mere 11 days after he and I split. That’s such a shady look. Perhaps he shouldn’t have cheated if he knew he’d get so butthurt about our break-up. I wasn’t in a place where I felt I needed to “win” the break-up. I want to wait until I actually know someone before determining I’ll be spending my valuable time with him alone.

So, rebound and I had some really nice dates. We went to some of my favourite spots in Itaewon as he was new to the city. A friend of mine came along on date #1 (what I call an “audition”), and his boss met up with us later that day. He joined me for a restaurant review and asked that we spend the next night “just us”. He held my hand in public and let other males around us know through physical cues that he was the alpha and I wasn’t going to entertain their advances. By date #3 he told me he didn’t want this to just be a fling. After that, I started to get the silent treatment. He’d go incommunicado for days, then blow up my phone with cute selfies and videos. We both left Seoul for the long weekend, but were in touch the whole time.

When he got back home, he called me via video chat. He cracked a joke at one point, so I laughed. He told me that’s all he ever wanted. All he wanted was just to make me laugh and smile. The line was delivered with such innocence and fluidity I almost believed it. I rolled my eyes and that’s when he said the one thing that surprised me.

“You’re so cool. You play it so cool.”

“What?”

“Yeah, you act like you don’t care. I care.”

“I’m confused. You’re the cool one in this situation. I’m just trying to keep up.”

My bullshit-o-dometer was whizzing out of control. That’s when he told me he had the next 10 years of his life planned out. Where was I going to fit in? It’s nice to have a casual, physical relationship, but what were we and what happens next? What about the “dot…dot…dot…”? After I told him it was a little early to be having this conversation, I suggested getting together on the weekend. He agreed, with the caveat that now (after nearly a month of knowing one-another) was the perfect time for this serious discussion. After that? Radio silence…was he seriously ghosting me after trying to lock it down on freaking FaceTime?

Gentlemen, you know exactly what kind of shitty human being you are when you consciously decide not to pick up calls or respond to messages. Nobody is too busy to make plans with someone they like. When a man is interested in a woman, he’ll move Heaven, Earth, a board meeting or a boys night to see her. When you’re ghosting, you’re avoiding responsibility because you’re too chicken shit to have an actual adult conversation. Everyone gets anxious when it comes to potential confrontation. You owe it to the other person to provide a proper conclusion. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: to get what you want you have to communicate.

Ladies, here are some of the reasons why he’s ghosting you:

He’s Not Looking For Commitment

This guy will flip his shit at the simplest “how was your day?” text. It doesn’t matter if you’re looking for a serious relationship or casual tail. He wants no strings attached and assumes you’re hunting for a ring. Drop the dud and play the field. He’s not worth your time.

There’s Another Woman

I always say that Tinder is like window shopping. Men can certainly make the most of a shitty situation. In fact, a lot of guys I know actually exclusively Tind while on the can. If you’re dating someone actively perusing your replacement, he’s a turd. Don’t let yourself circle the drain with this one.

You’re the Other Woman

I met this wonderful man last year who really wanted to take things slow and get to know me. We went on some fantastic dates and I felt like we really started to make a connection. Then, he started acting weird and before I knew it – he was ghosting. It turns out his ex fiance was getting married and he just wasn’t quite over it all. It didn’t matter that their relationship was over. He wasn’t ready to make an emotional investment that might end with similar feelings. This one actually came back and we were able to talk it out. Eventually, we even became friends.

He’s Just Not That Into You

It sucks to hear, but the old Sex and the City adage is real. He doesn’t see this going anywhere and doesn’t wanted to get sucked into an emotional conversation where he’ll have to explain why. He doesn’t even respect you enough to have the common decency to tell you he doesn’t want to see you. Start swiping.

You’re an Option, Not a Priority

He wants to keep you around in case he needs an emotional relationship or a late night booty call down the line. Unfriend. Unfollow. Block if you must. Move the hell along.

Dating is tough. Expat dating is often tougher. When it comes down to it, we all want to feel important and cared for. Nobody wants to feel tossed aside. Ladies and gentlemen, don’t willfully neglect another human. Be kind, be gentle, and stop ghosting. I can guarantee that a reasonable person will respond much better (and likely stop responding altogether) if you tell him or her in a nice way that you don’t want to proceed. The calling, the texting, the passive aggressive social media posts (and lurks) will all vanish – and you won’t have to. If you want to alleviate guilt and avoid confrontational/ emotional conversations be clear. Stop ghosting.