The Worst Guys A Re-Pat Can Date in Toronto
If youāve been following along with my āTinder Nightmaresā stories on Instagram, this will not be a surprise. In fact, after my series on “The 7 Worst Guys an Expat Can Date“, this one’s a long time coming. A year in the making, if you will. You would think that I wouldn’t have to specify that this isn’t about particular men, but groups in general. I also didn’t think I’d have to write a caveat of “Not All Men“, but damn some of you get really livid when you notice traits about yourselves in my writing. I write about men because I date men. I don’t write lengthy articles about women because I don’t date women. That said…
Women of Toronto are incredible, educated, intelligent, ambitious, successful, beautiful people who take care of themselves and their communities. The men in Toronto are old, crusty towels with tinder profiles stating their height and āno fattiesā. I thought dating while living in another country was tough, but wow is Toronto ever slim pickinās. Here are just some of the offenders. These are their stories.
Mr. Still in Love with His Ex
Letās be real ā this one should be the most obvious. Not unique to Toronto, there are plenty of men around the world who think the best way to get over one woman is to get under another ā or 12. He hasnāt spent time identifying and working on the emotions associated with the end of something meaningful. If enough time and introspection hasnāt been given to mourn the loss, comparisons will be made. I donāt know about you, but the feeling I get when I canāt measure up to someone I donāt even know is torture. Donāt date until youāre ready. Please.
Mr. Still in a Dang Relationship
This lunatic has so much love to give that heās shopping it all over the city. I canāt even get 1 person to like me long enough to be exclusive. How is this dirtbag carrying on multiple relationships? Sadly, this one is hard to spot. Why do you think women have gotten so good at the social media sweep weāre practically CIA candidates?
Mr. Doesnāt āBelieveā in Monogamy
On the flip side of Mr. Ex and Mr. Relationship comes the man who doesnāt believe in monogamy. Thereās nothing wrong with being in an ethically non-monogamous relationship even though itās not what Iām seeking personally. This guy is the flat-earther of the dating scene. He explains ever so tenderly that he just doesnāt believe that homo sapiens should be anything other than hetero erectus. Mr. Monogamy is incredible in bed ā and why wouldnāt he be? You keep him as a priority because he does it better than any of these other losers. Unfortunately, youāre making a priority of a dude with a big dong who has you saved on speed dial as āThursdayā. Donāt waste your time (even though itās really, really tempting).
Ā The Visitor
I often match with guys on dating apps who are in town for the weekend and it’s just such a disappointment. You can’t determine whether you want to build something with someone after just one date. Well, you can – but it’s incredibly rare. The logistics of doing long distance dating can get really complicated, and that’s just when he’s honest. Who knows what’s going on in a different city or even country? Co-P cheated even though we only lived 45 minutes from one another, imagine someone on the other side of the world? The Green Card Monster comes to mind, too…
The Monster who āWonāt Go Downtownā
Feelings are all this guy will eat, but he fully expects you suck that silly, selfish sausage. It’s gunna be a “no” from me, dawg.
Mr. Lives With His Parents
This one isn’t always the worst case. If he’s lived away from home and knows the basics like how to boil an egg and how to do his own laundry it helps. I know some people who have moved back home so that they can save for a downpayment in this horrendous housing market, and to them I tip my hat. It’s not easy returning to “my house, my rules”. That said, if he’s just comfortable letting mommy cook and clean up after him he has no place in my home, nor my heart.
Mr. Unemployed
Mr. Unemployed could be Mr. Parents’ twin, or the same person altogether. I would never have dated when I lost my job back in 2014 because I knew I was watching every penny and couldn’t afford the luxury. I didn’t want anyone else bankrolling me either. I’m plenty happy to go for a walk and get to know someone, but it can get really frustrating when he either expects you to bankroll him or complains that he can’t participate over and over again. Also, how is it that this guy has no responsibilities, but still manages to cancel plans at the last minute over and over again?
Prince Charming
This one you really, really have to watch out for. He’s trouble you can spot a mile away, but the speed at which your hit makes you completely unable to move out of the way. Prince Charming has a great relationship with his family, a stable job, his own place. He’s probably endearing and attractive. He says all the right things because he’s the perfect manipulator. Prince Charming knows a little bit about a lot of things so he’s able to tackle any of your hobbies and interests, creating a fantasy if just for one night. Prince Charming is like personality photoshop. Don’t fall victim to the imaginary.
Me
My best friends are living with their boyfriends, engaged, or married. I am the last Single Sally. Sometimes itās really fun going out with these awesome women ready to dive down the rabbit hole. Thereās no competition when weāre out and about, because theyāre off the market. That said, it can be really rough when Iām sick and taking care of myself. UberEats is the closest thing you someone ensuring Iām on the mend (but thereās no playing doctor with the delivery person). Events like Christmas, New Yearās, Valentineās Day, my Birthday, or say ā my best friendās wedding can really get you down. Jordan Quinn, author of Korkscrewed (buy it), calls them the “Alcoholidays” because you’ve gotta knock a few back to get through them solo. A lot of guys who read my blog say it comes across as me being āA Woman Scornedā. I like to make light of these pathetic situations through my writing. Iām not angry; Iām perpetually alone.
Mr. King West
‘Nuff said.